Three Clients, Three Kitchens

Why old money lessons stick

Researchers sometimes use the term self- schema to describe the mental shortcuts people build about who they are. ¹ 

You don’t need to use that term with your clients, but understanding the concept can be helpful. 

Your client has a story about money, just as everyone does. They picked it up early, usually by watching what happened around them. Did money start fights? Did it disappear? Did it make people feel safe? Did it prove whether someone had “made it”? 

Those lessons can stick around long after the client’s life looks different on paper. So when a reaction feels bigger than the decision in front of them, it may be because the decision is touching something older. 

So if your client’s reaction feels too big for the decision, don’t rush past it. Something about that choice may be hitting an older nerve.

Kitchen #1: Pain

Raised voices bounce off the cabinets. A stack of unopened bills sits on the counter beside a collection notice no one wants to read. Every time a phone rings, it might be more bad news. Even a simple question about groceries can turn into a fight before dinner is over.

This is a kitchen where conversations about money started as discussions and ended in tension or anger. Maybe there was a parent picking up extra shifts and still couldn’t make ends meet. Or a kid who had to wear the same coat two winters running and got bullied at school for it. 

That kid grows up, and when real money finally lands in their hands, it doesn’t feel like relief. It feels like the reason for every fight that ever happened in that kitchen. Getting rid of it can feel like the fastest way back to normal. 

This is your client who inherits money and gives half of it away within a year. Or the pro athlete who’s broke two years after their last contract ends. 

It would be tempting to read this behavior as a lack of discipline or financial literacy. This client may understand the math perfectly well. Their difficulty is what the money represents to them. 

Try this instead: Start with the story they’re already telling themselves about money and where it began. For many of these clients, money became tangled up with some of the hardest moments of their lives. The circumstances changed years ago, but the feelings can linger. Moving forward may begin with helping them see that they do not have to carry every lesson learned at that kitchen table. Your role is not to diagnose the client. It is to understand the story shaping the decision, then help them consider what keeping, using, or sharing the wealth could make possible now. 

Conversation starters: 

• Tell me about a time when something looked like a great opportunity and didn’t work out the way you expected. 

• If this plays out differently than you’re expecting, who else would feel the impact?

Why the loop can be hard to break

People who grow up with a constant awareness of financial limits often carry some of that feeling with them long after their circumstances change. 

Research has found that financial scarcity can consume mental bandwidth, making concerns about money feel larger and more immediate.² 

Those concerns can create a predictable pattern in advisor-client relationships. Researchers have observed that people can get stuck in repeating cycles that make perfect sense in the moment. When one person seeks reassurance, the other provides it. Both feel like they’re making progress, yet the same conversation keeps happening.³ 

For your clients who learned early that resources were limited, those patterns can reinforce one another. The worry shows up, reassurance provides temporary relief, and the cycle begins again the next time a spending decision arises

Kitchen #2: Scarcity

Here, a coupon organizer lives in a drawer by the refrigerator. A mother pauses before every purchase, silently adding numbers in her head before saying yes. Leftovers are carefully wrapped. Receipts are tucked into a filing folder and saved for months. The thermostat rarely moves. 

This kitchen is the one advisors overlook the most, because nothing dramatic happened here. The family took a vacation every summer. To Six Flags, maybe. Not Europe. And nobody ever went hungry. But your client heard “we’ll see” a lot, and the unspoken meaning of that phrase was “no”. 

That kid grows up and becomes the client sitting across from you with four million dollars, asking whether they can really afford a $15,000 cruise. Your client’s brain isn’t stuck in the past. It’s responding to a familiar cue each time money feels tight, even when it isn’t. 

Try this instead: Step back from the numbers for a moment. Many of these clients have spent years building wealth and making responsible decisions, yet still don’t feel entirely secure. Take time to acknowledge what they’ve accomplished before jumping back into projections and probabilities. Clients like this rarely hear someone point out how much they’ve done right. More often, they hear from advisors when something needs attention. 

A client who calls before booking the cruise may be asking a bigger question than the one being voiced. For someone who grew up hearing “not now” or “we can’t afford it,” spending can still feel uncomfortable long after the financial constraints are gone. When clients feel understood rather than evaluated, they’re often more willing to share what’s really behind the hesitation. 

Conversation starters: 

• Help me understand what goes through your mind when a purchase like this comes up. 
• Tell me about a time when spending money felt easy. What was different?

Kitchen #3: Abundance

Here, the refrigerator is overflowing with food. If the dishwasher dies, a new one arrives a few days later. Vacations get booked and tuition gets paid. Unexpected expenses are inconveniences, not family conversations. No one here could tell you how much a gallon of milk costs. 

Money simply appeared. This client grew up without ever seeing an adult hesitate before saying yes. 

You probably recognize this client. The Opportunity tends to feel familiar, while a meaningful loss can be harder to imagine. 

Confidence can look a lot like preparedness. Yet this client may have spent little time thinking through what a real loss would feel like because they have rarely had to. 

Try this instead: Opportunity has worked out pretty well for this client, and that’s part of their story. Give them room to consider outcomes they haven’t spent much time with. What happens if things don’t work out as expected? What changes? What doesn’t? Your conversation may shift once the goals that matter most to them are protected. That foundation gives your client more freedom to pursue opportunities ahead. 

Conversation starters: 

• Tell me about a time when something looked like a great opportunity and didn’t work out the way you expected. 
• If this plays out differently than you’re expecting, who else would feel the impact?

A surprising finding about abundance

Growing up with money doesn’t necessarily create confidence around money. 

One study found that people who reported growing up wealthy were likely to report financial dependence, including fear of losing income they had not earned and concern that it could dampen motivation or ambition.⁴ 

Abundance can bring its own pressures. Some people may feel more dependent on the money than in command of it